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Will Styler

Post-Doctoral Research Fellow - University of Michigan Linguistics

A Collection of Terrible Puns

As my students are sadly aware, I'm a connoisseur of really awful puns and wordplay. I've been collecting them for years, sharing with friends and family, and posting them on social media with the #crappypuns hashtag. Some are Will Styler originals, some were given to me by friends, and some were found around the web. All are just awful.

So, here's a small part of my pun collection, ones that my friends and students have already heard, shared for the betterment (?) of the internet in general. I'll update from time to time as I post more for friends and students, and thus, can move them out of the Strategic Pun Reserve.

Presented in no particular order, with long-form puns separated out.

Last Update: 1/20/2017

How can you spot a nosy pepper? It gets Jalapeño business!

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but it's OK because I can stop at any time.

What did the perscriptivist owl say? Whom whom.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a rum ...................... and coke."

The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear shrugs. "I was born with them."

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It's because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can't jump.

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem, so they would try to break the prisoners' spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, 'tick tock tick tock.'

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change their situation, chose a very subtle rebellion. They would do the head motions, but instead of 'tick tock tick tock', they would wait until the guards were further down the line and switch to 'tick tick tick.'

None of the guards noticed this was going on for many months, until finally, a young lieutenant was caught ticking by a senior SS Captain walking behind the line.

The captain stopped the exercise, walked over, face-to-face with the young man, and "A rebel. Vell, don't vorry, ve have vays of making you tock.'

What did one eye say to the other? Just between you and me, something smells.

What do you say to a Llama that loves picnicking? Alpaca lunch.

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station. The mechanic looks up and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk asks if it has any luggage. It replies "no, I'm traveling light"

I can't stand Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

Did you hear about the glass blower who accidentally inhaled? He got stomach pane.

What do you call a snail that isn't moving? An escar-stay.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? They're really making headlines.

If you see an Apple Store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?

Why couldn't the pony sing in the choir? He was a little horse.

Did you hear about the woman who loved making archery supplies? Every day she went to work, she quivered with joy!

The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar. It was tense.

What's the body temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke Warm.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on pizza? Because he ate it before it was cool.

One day, on the savannah, a lion, a cheetah, an elephant and a warthog were all sitting around after their respective meals and discussing which species has the biggest potential for success. The elephant suggested that they settle this, once and for all, and that they take a cue from humans and test this by starting their own businesses, and then checking in in a month to see who did best.

The Warthog decided to hire other warthogs to occupy the shadiest groves, and then charged animals $5 to lay in the shade.

The Elephant built an elaborate harness for his back, and charged other animals $15 for elephant rides.

The Lion started a personal protection racket, offering gazelles protection from the lions in exchange for a fee of $10.

But the Cheetah had the best idea of all, starting a courier service, using his incredible speed to bring messages from animal to animal, all across the savannah, for $20. Within weeks, all the animals were using the Cheetah's service to communicate, while the lion, elephant, and warthog sat mostly idle.

Finally, a month had passed, and the elephant, cheetah, warthog, and lion met up again with their bank statements to try and guess who might win. The Warthog had earned $150, the Elephant had earned $185, the Lion had earned $200. But Cheetah's bank statement showed only $2. The other animals were shocked, because "Fast Cat Courier" was the most successful business by far. The other animals asked Cheetah what went wrong.

"Business has been great," the spotted cat said, "but alas, Cheetahs never prosper."

Rumors of a food shortage at this year's spoonerism conference turned out to be a complete lack of pies.

Don't ever believe an atom, they make up everything.

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

Did you hear that Cray computing is working on a new supercomputing cluster designed specifically to simulate mental illness? They're calling it the Cray Cray.

Why does Waldo (from Where's Waldo) always wear a striped shirt? He doesn't want to be spotted.

I dropped my toothpaste, I'm crestfallen.

Girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.

I went to a zoo the other day, but there was only one dog there. It was a Shitzu.

Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.

A Roman walks in to a bar and says "I'll have a martinus."

The bartender says "you mean a martini?"

The Roman replies "no, if I wanted a double I would have asked for one."

Be kind to dentists. They have fillings too, you know.

All the toilets in the NYPD headquarters have been stolen. The police apparently have nothing to go on.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was really just a play on words.

Why did the can crusher quit her job? It was soda-pressing.

What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener.

Why do people love switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus. Unlike Canada's, which I could take or leaf.

Becoming vegetarian was a huge missed steak.

I was was going to tell a joke about a dead parrot, but it was way too Macawbre.

How do trees feel in the Spring? Releaved.

Why do defense lawyers go out for Mexican food when they're feeling down? To get some case-ideas!

Did you hear about the sale on paddles? It was quite the oar-deal.

If a Wizard uses magic to hold up a camera and take a picture of himself, is that a Spellfie?

Did you hear that the Devil is going bald? Yeah, there's gonna be hell toupee.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands. (Sorry, but that joke never grows old).

What language do bridges speak? Span-ish.

If a kid won't take a nap, is that "resisting a rest"?

What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador Retriever.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three, the right, the left, and the final front ear.

A king, wanting to host an elaborate wedding for his daughter, raised taxes on all citizens of the kingdom by thirty pieces of gold. Everybody paid, except for one young count.

The king sent a tax collector, but the count refused. "This is unfair, and I shall not pay!"

The king sent the sheriff, but the count refused. "I will not support the king's new tax!"

Finally, the king had the count arrested, and thrown in the dungeon. He explained to the count that failure to pay was treason, and he would be executed, yet still, the count refused.

So, the king had him brought to the top of the tower, and neck on the block, with the executioner's axe raised. The king asked the count to pay. He defiantly shouted, "Never!"

Then, as the executioner's axe began to fall, the count shouted "OK! I'll pay!". But it was too late, the executioner couldn't stop the heavy axe, and the count was killed.

The moral of this story? Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

Straws are for suckers.

What do you call a lawyer who can cook? A sue chef

Did you hear about the World War I soldier who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas? He was a seasoned veteran.

Why do Buddhist monks avoid sending word documents? They're supposed to avoid attachments.

Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they just can't even.

Why did they ban knitting needles on airplanes after 9-11? They're afraid you might knit an Afghan.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Have you ever had sex while camping? It's f***ing in tents!

I went to a dog show the other day. A Yorkie took Best in Show, a Jack Russell took second, and a Scotty took third.

I'm starting to think the judges had some sort of All-Terrier motive.

Did you hear about the actuary who wouldn't make whipped cream? She was whisk-averse.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I don't enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

I changed my phone's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about german sausage are the wurst.

I got a job at a bakery, because I knead dough.

What do you do when you find Niacin and Thiamin at your front door? You vitamin, of course!

Did you hear about the guy who started chirping after a one night stand? They think he caught a canarial disease.

I refuse to work with compost, it's degrading.

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

Why aren't depressed people worried about flat tires? They're always carrying despair.

What do Russian kings order on their pizzas? Czardines.

Did you hear about the banker who left her job? She just lost interest.

What happens when a piano falls down a mineshaft? A flat miner.

Did you hear about the guy who turned into a vampire before he was bitten? Yeah, Premature edraculation is rough.

What happens to Nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen

How do you measure the quality of my puns? A sighsmograph!

If loving kindness changes your life, is that Mettamorphosis?

A termite walks into the bar. He sits down and asks "hey, is the bartender?"

Did you hear that somebody spiked the punch at a roof designer convention? The next day, everybody had a terrible overhang.

A Mexican magician told his audience he would disappear on the count of three. He wrapped his cape around himself and counted. "Uno... Dos..." and then disappeared without a Tres.

A Steak Pun is a Rare Medium Well Done

Did you hear about the exorcist who offers a payment plan? Apparently if people fall behind on payments, they'll get repossessed!

Did you hear about the antiques collector who found an old Coca-Cola lamp? She was soda lighted.

Did you hear about the Celiac Disease sufferer who went to a wheat processing plant? She was a real Gluten for punishment.

My friend fell into an upholstery machine. He's fully recovered now.

Upon his coronation, a tribal king decided he wanted to upgrade his woven-grass-and-wood home. So, he commissioned the best weavers in the village to build him a two-story home.

Weeks later, the grass-weavers finished, and moved the king's property in. But the King wasn't happy. He wanted to build a king-size bed, but the massive stone throne used in the tribe was in the way.

Figuring a second-floor throne room would be more impressive, the King ordered the workers to bring the throne upstairs, and then weave him a nice, big bed on the first floor.

A few more weeks later, the King finally moved in. On the first night, he and the Queen decided to test out the bed. Their testing got vigorous, and they shook the walls of the house, causing the heavy throne to plunge through the grass ceiling onto the bed, killing them both.

The moral of the story? When you live in a grass house, don't stow thrones.

What do you give the Pharaoh who has everything? A gift cartouche.

A clown held the door open for me. What a nice jester!

They say that no two people see color the exact same way, so really, color is just a pigment of your imagination.

Did you hear about the guy who pickpocketed a dwarf? How could anybody stoop so low?!

I was sitting in a coffee shop, and "Bolero" came on. Around 8 minutes later, everything started to un-Ravel.

Why don't chemists like puns? All the best ones argon.

How can you tell when a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.

What did the buffalo say to his son who was leaving for college? Bison.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

My friend just installed ethernet in his home in Sydney. I can't wait to visit the LAN down under.

My wife and I sometimes disagree about whether to add eggs to cream. Custardy disputes are always rough.

Did you hear about the guy who jumped off a Paris bridge? He was in Seine.

Did you hear about the woman who put snakes in her hair to cure migraines? Yeah, it's oddly Medusinal.

What do you call a book on Voyeurism? a Peeping Tome.

Did you hear the guy making fake $1 coins? They arrested him in his apartmint.

Where do pagans shop to prepare for rituals? Rite aid!

I was recently collaborating on abstract with a strict character limit. Every time somebody wanted to add something new, they would find some punctuation and remove it to stay under the character count. Eventually, we ended up with an abstract during which the reader could never pause.

The Tragedy of the Commas strikes again.

My very favorite dishes are all cooked with petroleum byproducts. I guess you could say I have refined taste.

My local Renaissance Festival is casting Knights tomorrow at 4pm. Be there or be Squire.

Why did the owner of a gentlemanly goose move to North Korea? He heard it was a great place for his propaganda.

My friend David just had his ID stolen. We just call him Dav now.

Did you hear about the machine that electronically castrates bulls? Yeah, these days, nobody buys a farm without power steering.

Why do university administrators love asparagus? It's all stem. - Blame Kevin McGowan

Fiction always talks about the drama and mystery surrounding a departed relative's will. But most of the time, it's a dead giveaway.

What do you call it when a cat wins first place at a dog show? A cat-has-trophy!

Did you hear about the man who left his fortune to the San Andreas nature preserve? He was generous to a fault. - Blame Kevin McGowan

I need to stop hanging around with pessimistic horses. Neigh-sayers never add anything to the conversation.

Did you hear about the oil spill relief workers who cleaned 15 dolphins with a single box of borax? Turns out that, just like it says on the box, it's a great multi-porpoise cleanser.

Two amphibians were croaking at each other outside my window. It was Toadally ribbeting!

"Doctor, help! I'm shrinking!" "Take this and you'll be back to normal in a few weeks. Until then, you'll just have to be a little patient."

My neighbor's TV only plays shows in Spanish. Poor SAP.

Did you hear about the casino restaurant that feeds its cows cannabis? Yeah, some gamblers prefer high steaks.

What'd the conductor say when she found her missing music? SCORE!

Did you hear that Apple is removing low quality programs from the iTunes Store, and writing down the developer IDs so they can't submit more later? It's about time they started kicking apps and taking names.

So the University of Illinois at Urbana Med School has created a new program to help doctors deal with patients who fake injuries to get drugs. Turns out that doctors from Urbana are really familiar with Sham Pain.

Did you hear about the camouflage store that doesn't accept credit cards? Their patterns are in-visa-ble!

Did you hear about the middle school that voted to change their mascot? It was an agricultural area, but they wanted to be progressive and offer a female mascot. So, they had three choices, a female sheep, a female goat, and a female deer.

After a long campaign, a series of debates, and a day of students voting yes or no on each, the principal stood before his students and announced that, in a unanimous vote, the new school mascot would be a female sheep.

It seems that even after all the campaigning, debate, and division, the student body only had Ayes for Ewe.

How does Satan like his pasta? Al Dante.

Did you know that dropping an ant into a glass of water will tell you its gender? If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, boy ant.

Why don't mathematicians use knives to eat prime rib? They know it can't be divided!

Why do bulls make terrible salesmen? They charge too much.

Do the Dukes of Hazzard ever stop for the police? Not General Lee.

I was running a study the other day where I dressed some people up as Koalas to see if it made them sound more Australian. It mostly went well, but some people needed to be shifted into the no-costume control group because they didn't like the fake fur. I hate diskoalafying participants.

Did you hear about the wealthy Muslim leader who was extorted for millions of dollars by a local organized crime group? It wasn't that interesting, really. Just your classic mafia Sheik-down.

To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!

Where did the king keep his armies? In his sleevies.

Did you hear about the cannibal social? Yeah, they really like to meat new people.

A neurologist was diagnosing a man who had lost the ability to do basic math.

"What's 9 plus 9?" "12".

"What's 8 and 8?" "10".

The doctor shook his head. "Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?"

The man thought for a second, and answered "1E".

"Aha, I've figured it out!" The doctor said. "Somebody's clearly put a hex on you."

Did you hear that Snoop Dogg brought an umbrella to an outdoor concert? Yeah, fo drizzle.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Did you hear that Kaiser Permanente is starting a smaller company to handle people who just need insurance for a few months between jobs? It's called "Kaiser Temporariente".

Did you hear about the Chess Grand-master who, after he lost a match, destroyed the table with a massive hammer and called lightning bolts down to destroy his opponent's car? He was banned from future competitions for being such a Thor loser.

Did you hear that Magnesium formed an oxide layer? OMg!

I swatted a bee today. It was kind of a buzzkill.

Although I do sometimes make terrible puns, I think if you were to look at all the puns I make, the good would outweigh the bad, and it'd average out OK. Put differently, although I may make terrible jokes, I mean well.

I just found a penny in my dryer's lint trap, and I can't figure out where it came from. But that's ok, I love it when the world just makes cents.

I stayed on a ranch last weekend, but couldn't really sleep well. Every time I'd drift off, a female horse would whinny and wake me back off. It was a night mare.

Did you hear about all the hidden meanings in the Lion King? Yeah, it's full of Simbalism.

Why did the young horse practice galloping in private? He didn't want to make a foal of himself.

Did you hear about the modern sushi restaurant which was taking heat from traditionalists for serving battered, fried tropical eels? "O tempura! O moray!"

When I was young, I wanted to be a dolphin, but as I got older, my sense of porpoise faded away.

Did you hear that Rudolph and Dasher got sponsored by a coffee company this year? It actually makes sense, because they're Santa's Star Bucks.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Did you hear about the over-booked introverts camping trip? A lot of people left because it was two in tents.

Did you hear about the Army commander who planted 1500 saplings near the North Korean border? Yeah, he felt the key to security in the region was more infant-tree on the ground.

Did you hear about the guy who ate six cans of alphabet soup? He had the biggest vowel movement ever.

One day, an Australian man was sitting in a clearing in the forest, banging cymbals and pots and pans and loudly singing off key. A local warlock was working nearby, and came out to confront the man. He tried to be nice at first.

"Hey, would you quiet down? I'm trying to cast spells".

The man ignored the warlock, and kept banging on the cymbals and pots. The warlock grew angry.

"Quiet down or I'll cast a spell on you!"

The man ignored him, and sang louder.

The Warlock snapped. "If you don't stop that racket by the time I count to three, I'll turn you into a Koala Bear and THEN you'll be quiet!”

The man burst into a louder chorus still. The Warlock started to count.

"One!" The man banged the pots louder.

"Two!" The man started banging the pots on the cymbals.

"Three!” The Warlock raised his staff, shouted incantations to the sky, enveloped in a buzzing sphere of yellow light, hurling it towards the man and yelling "Now you are Koala!"

But the light dissipated as soon as it hit the man, and he kept on banging the cymbals and singing.

The Warlock shook his head. "That's impossible! How did you not change?!"

The man looked over at the Warlock and shrugged. "It's just like the last guy who wandered by said. I'm unbearable."

If you're considering working in a prison library, you'll need to consider both the prose and the cons.

What'd the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!

Somebody just broke into my apartment and stole every lamp, flashlight, and lightbulb. I'm so delighted.

A Horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse ponders for a minute then responds "I don't think I am." And poof, he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they're familiar with Descartes' famous postulate, "I think, therefore I am."

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium, but then I thought, "Na".

I almost just walked across a freshly re-coated blacktop driveway. Alas, my pathfinding appears to be Phalty.

It turns out that Diet Mountain Dew is the same price in vending machines on campus as it is at local grocery stores, so I'm not losing any money buying it cold and fresh. Nobody can say I haven't done my Dew diligence.

One day, the man driving a large passenger train was texting with his new girlfriend and unthinkingly accelerated the train into a curve. The train went out of control and derailed, killing everybody on the train but him. After being sentenced to 98 counts of manslaughter at the trial, he was sentenced to death.

When the day finally came, the warden asked what he wanted as his final meal. He responded "Eighteen bananas and a cup of grain alcohol". When the Warden questioned why, the man fell silent. But, trying to be compassionate, the Warden provided the bananas, which the man quickly and purposefully ate, one after the other. After refusing to talk to a priest, the man was brought into the death chamber and strapped into the electric chair.

Finally, all procedures completed, the Warden threw the switch. All the lights in the room went dim, but the man sat quietly in the chair, completely unaffected. After a full minute, the Warden cut the power, checked all the connections, turned up the current, and threw the switch again. A sharp hum echoed through the room, the lights flickering and dimming, but again, the man sat unaffected, tapping his fingers as if bored.

The Warden, clearly perplexed, went in back, checked the breakers, replaced the headband and tightened all the straps. He turned the current to the maximum, and threw the switch. The lights went out throughout the rest of the prison, the room filling with the sound of arcing power and the sharp smell of Ozone. But after two full minutes, the man in the chair shrugged, clearly bored, and the Warden turned off the power.

The Warden removed the man's blindfold. "According to the law, if you survive three execution attempts, we have to let you go. But I've got to ask: was it the bananas and the alcohol that saved you, somehow?"

The man shook his head. "No. The jury said it themselves: I'm just a terrible conductor."

Why are Lab-Collie crosses so good in teams? They're natural Collaboradors!

Today at my local grocery store, they were playing the 80's "I bless the rains down in Africa" song, which is now ruthlessly stuck in my head. At least they had good bread, so it wasn't a Toto loss.

Two men were sitting on the banks of the Vaal river, in South Africa, watching people wade across. They watched a short, young girl and her petite mother swim through without trouble. Then a tall man tried to wade across, and got swept away by the current. Then a group of young boys floated across on a log. Then a huge bear of a man, attempting to swim, was forced back to the shore, nearly drowning.

One says to the other, "You know, it's odd that these huge men keep getting pushed back by the river while schoolchildren cross uneventfully."

The other shook his head. "Not really. You know the old saying: The bigger you are, the harder the Vaal."

I bought my friend an elephant for her room. She said "Thanks!", I said "Don't mention it."

So, can a Parseltongue in the Harry Potter Universe write code in Python?

What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for Fresh Prints.

I walked by an eye clinic's waiting room today. I didn't go in because everybody there looked kind of funny.

Did you hear about the secret pilot? He spent much of his life in da skies.

Did you hear about the dog who swallowed scrabble tiles? His next trip out to the yard spelled "disaster".

Singing quietly has never been my forte.

Did you hear about the farm that produced camel milk? They shut down because of the chaos caused by camels running away and attacking people who tried to milk them, combined with legal disputes and a nasty divorce among the owners.

Yep. Turned out to be a real drama-dairy!

What do French people call a terrible thursday? A Trajeudi.